eh. not really sure what to say. *WARNING: this post discusses eating disorder elements.* (19 July 2021)

*WARNING: this post discusses eating disorder elements.*

not really sure what to say. this is kinda eh, but it's cute, & I made it look like me, I don't usually display stuff like this. I'm not really focused on one exact specific number, though. (and I know that I don't NEED to lose weight. also, my current weight could be a bit lower than [removed] (in fact, it probably is), because I weighed [removed]. at the medical clinic last week, and I've been restricting yet again.

a few months ago when I was restricting, I had signs of my period, but then it was super late and didn't happen at all for a little while (it skipped about a month), and I believe that I finally had amenorrhea again ... but temporarily, because it came back after a little while. I started to eat some more / some more of certain things. specifically, I remember starting to eat spoonfuls of peanut butter here and there. (I started to eat more of certain things to encourage hair growth / faster hair growth, because I cut my hair really short and wanted it to grow back faster. my hair already grows pretty fast, but I wanted to make it grow back even faster. I was also listening to subliminals for it. I also started making and using rice water for my hair, but I didn't really use it that consistently and haven't used it in a while.)

MyFitnessPal hasn't been letting me log in on the app, though, lately, so I've been trying to use the website (but it's really frustrating), and keeping track in my phone's notes until I can track it in the app. I might get the app that my boyfriend has/had, though, I believe that it's MyPlate (which is from LiveStrong, which I used to used about a decade ago). There's so much nostalgia there in my disordered memories. It's been almost 10 whole years this year since I was first hospitalized (and subjected to a whole new kinda trauma that is EDO "treatment").

I've been thinking about not purging anymore or as much again lately (because I started to purge more often again this year after it had become rare / only 1 to a few times yearly for  a few years), because I was reading "Wintergirls" (just recently finished it), and the description of Cassie's graphic death scene just ... and I already know about stuff like that and already have some anxiety about purging sometimes (several years ago I started experiencing what I think of as "purging anxiety", because I started becoming really anxious before purging and was torn between following through or not ... that was when I wasn't purging quite as much as I used to) ... I already know that people have died while purging, and I've had my own scary experiences years ago (not sure about mentioning them just yet) ... like I said, I've been thinking about not purging anymore / as much again lately -- as in going back to rarely, because I know that there's still this rule in my head that I can't let a whole year pass without purging, and I KNOW that that's related to obsessions and compulsives (OCs), I know it's related to OCD (not just EDO stuff) -- but also at the same time, it kind of also gives me the urge to purge. so I still simultaneously have the anxiety not to and the urge to do it more (but the anxiety is more prominent than usual lately). but, of course, I don't want to deal with more issues than I already have dealt with from purging before. of course, I still remember feeling so weak and drained and crying on my bed, afraid that I couldn't stop, that I would keep doing it. I know that I wanted to be able to stop, and I was able to do it less and less and less, but I don't fully want to stop forever. it's something that seems so easy, but it's also so risky in so many ways. but it's something that's more of a last resort than a regular thing to me now. I was and am glad that I was able to stop purging so much AND that I was able to start eating more normally after hospitalization(s), but even after so long, I still don't want to fully let "this stuff" go.

sometimes, I get the urge to re-join MPA, but I just can't even though part of me wants to. it's scary and triggering for me (for other reasons, including OCD-related and morality-related reasons). it just seems better for me to fixate over this stuff by myself (and talk to my bf about it when I need/want to) and avoid unnecessary triggering content/interactions. I do talk to my boyfriend about this personal stuff -- and, of course, he loves me and worries about me and wants me to be healthy and strong.

on one hand, I do want to be healthy and strong, but on the other hand, I still don't want to be fully recovered and still want to do the disordered behaviours deep down (even though I don't necessarily always do them all the time, even though I haven't been emaciated in kind of a long time and my weight has fluctuated so much over the past decade after hospitalization -- the second hospitalization, anyway ... I mean, it was going down, but I had to eat more and gain a bit more when in partial out-patient, or they'd have sent me back to in-patient, so I had to make the choice so that I could stay in partial and not have to go back to IP, but I wasn't even emaciated anymore at that point, so that's kind of stupid for them to use that as a threat, "gAiN wEiGhT oR gO bAcK tO IP". (not exactly how it was said, though, they weren't being menacing, it was a warning, but it was still kind of a threat in a technical sense.)

*this content is not encouraging eating disorders and/or the development thereof. I personally never fully recovered and never fully wanted to let go of EDO, but I do encourage recovery for others and recommend NEDA.org as a resource for recovering/healing from EDOs (eating disorders).*